Judge Mia Podcast Ep. 4

Judgie Drew and the Clue of the Frog Scat

Okay guys, I'm a little busy right now but I'll bring chall up to speed. This morning I woke up fresh as a dew but unfortunately when I put my feet off my bed and on to the floor there was some dew...and not the watery kind. (I purposelyfullyful spelled it wrong, so don't scam my comments with "YOU SPELLED DEW WRONG. IT SHOULD BE DU. YOU'RE SO DUMB, AND I'M THE SMARTEST PERSON EVER. BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH!!!") Anyway, when I found that...surprise in my slippers I realized that the only other person that could have...um, excreted...in my slippers is Fransisco! And Matilda! And Murphy and Maggie and Marley and Buck! (He sometimes breaks into my house at night to stare at Fransisco while he's sleeping...but that's a different story.) So I picked up the...WHATEVER! I picked up the POOP with my bare hands and set it on the kitchen table next to Murphy's Fiber-O's and screamed, "EMERGENCY FAMILY MEETING!!!" Everyone ran into the kitchen yelling "What's wrong!?" but when they saw the POOP on the kitchen table they all cringed and Matilda blurted, "What on earth? Who would--" then I interrupted and said, "That's what I want to know! WHO CRAPPED IN MY SLIPPERS!?" Fransisco bent down and smelled it and I noticed he got a little nervous and looked around all wild then pointed at Matilda and screamed, "Mia, I bet your oafy daughter probably did it to make me look bad! Soon, there will be crap smeared in the carpets, hidden in the wall cracks, and stuffed in the mattresses. Mark my words, she'll blame me for it!!!" Matilda shot a loatheful eye at Fransisco and blurted, "That's ridiculous you little varment! Mom, just look at your HUSBAND'S disgusting poop-matted fur! He probably did it to blame me so you'd throw ME out of the house!" I thought about that, but before I could assault Matilda for being so stupid Murphy butted in and said, "Everyone. It's just a little dung. Don't worry, Mia, I'll get you some new slippers lickety split." "BUTTERING UP MY WIFE, EH?" said Fransisco, "I OUTTA SOCK YOU!" "I GOT HALF A MIND BUDDY!" Suddenly Marley burst in. "You're all fools. MAGGIE obviously did it!" "How dare you Marley!" she retorted. As the family clashed in a brutal bloodbath, I snuck outside with my slipper to solve the mystery!

I took the slippers to Nut's house. And that's where I am now. I'm ringing the doorbell... Nut's opening the door. "Oh, hello judge. What do you want?" I peer inside the house behind Nut. Nutella and Butt are playing chess...I think. It's hard to tell because Butt keeps cutting the board with a chainsaw. "Get out of my way, Nut. I'm here to talk to your granddaughter." I'm pushing Nut out of the way and heading towards Nutella. She stares at me meanly. "What could you pothibly want you behemoth monkey?" "Nutella, you're smart right?" "Any idiot knowth that." "Well I'm trying to solve a mythtery...I mean mystery and I need you to analyze this crap." I'm showing her the slipper. She's rolling her eyes and screaming "MAKE ME!" I nod at Nut and he's telling Nutella "If you don't help Mia you have to skip school for a month." "NO! THTOP! OKAY OKAY I'LL HELP YOU!" So we're going to Nutella's room. There are sciency gadgets everywhere and posters of Dr. Elephanty on the walls posed in moronic positions. "Put the slipper in there," Nutella blurts, pointing to an ANALYZAH! I put it in and a blue light eminates around it and it says "wehw." Nutella jumps on her compoot and starts viciously typing. Then she screams "ANALYZE!" as she presses a button and the compoot is loading and now it's saying "analyzerzation complete, Oh great and brilliant Nutella." Nutella is saying, "Ignore that latht part," as she types more on her compoot. She's gasping. "WHAT'S WRONG?!" "The ekthscretement theems to be amphibian in origin." "SPEAK THE QUEEN'S STUFFISH!" "It came from a frog." DUM DUM DUM! Now that I know the crap is from a frog, I'm leaving Nut's house and going to the police station. I'm at the police station. Officer Big Bobby is at the front desk. "What do you want, Judge Mayo?" "It's Judge Mia." "Whatever. So what brings you to the fortress of policertude?" "It's about some poop I found on my slipper. Nutella said—" "Who's Nutella?!" "SHUT UP! Nutella said that the crap is from a frog, so I need you to do a scan through your whole list of citizens for the excretor." "Well you've come to the right place, Judge Mimi. We have a list of every single citizen in Furria. Follow me!!!" I'm following Big Bobby to the back room. There's a behemoth computer that's almost as big as Big Bobby! "Sit down," Big Bobby is saying. "I'll start the search, but we need to narrow it down." "It was from a frog." Big Bobby is pressing a button and about a thousand names are on the screen. "Anything else?" "They probably live in Yonkers." Now there are about twenty names. Big Bobby is gesturing to the slipper. "GIVE MAY THAYT!" He grabs it from my hand or paw or whatever I have and is sniffing it. "EW!!!" I scream. Big Bobby says, "Okay, that was ten seconds of my life wasted. I'd bet the fur on my lips if I had any. AND I DO! BLAAAH!" I think I hear a foghorn in the distance. Big Bobby gathers himself and says, "Here is our list in question. First up...Brog Beanbum. Wait a minute...there's a glitch on my compoot...it says he's a frog AND a bear! How is that posi—oh no! IT'S FIZZIN OUT! RUN FOR YOUR LIFE!" The compoot is exploding and I'm running for my life! We're outside the police station and it's destroyed. Big Bobby is so dumb. If only Brog was dead. "Well no matter," says Big Bobby, "I always bring a backup laptop with me. I guess Brog's out...next up is Croakella Scumicimodito." "EW! She's so gross that if she was the one that pooped in my slippers I think I would kill myself, so don't even bother trying to find out." "I'd bet the fur on my lips if—" I give Big Bobby my "glare of despair." He clears his throat, "Moving on. How about..." It's two hours later. We've narrowed it down to two suspects: Chipper Scumicimodito and Hipper Pucenose. Did I mention they're TWINS!!!!!! "Yuck, I always knew those frogs were up to whoa good." So I'm going to their house with Big Bobby to interrogate Hipper and Chipper. Here's the official police report:

Yonkers Police Dept. YPD-2

Police Interrogation #2734

Officer   BIG BOBBY      

HIPPR AND CHIPPR PUSENOSE ARE BIENG QUESTIONED BY ME BECUASE JUDGE MAYONNAISE SAYS THAT ONE OF THEM POOPED IN HER SLIPPR.

Big Bobby: Hipper. Chipper. We know what you did.

Chipper: Okay! Okay! I DID IT!

Hipper: Officer I don't know what you're talking about, now GET OUT OF MY HOUSE!

Big Bobby: No.

Hipper: What do you want, cretin?

Big Bobby: Get to the gush, frog lady. You know what I'm here for.

Judge Mayonnaise: Yeah! Here for!

Hipper: Alright, you got me. But really I won't do it again...see here are the jewels! I'll give them back! Just don't send me to jail!

Big Bobby: WHAT THE?! I wasn't talking about that!

Hipper: Oooh...um, just forget about what I said. So then you're here because I kidnapped Buck?

Big Bobby: You WHAT?! No no no! I'm here because-

Hipper: Oh man. OH MAN. I know exactly what you're here for! CHIPPER I THOUGHT I TOLD YOU TO HIDE THE CORPSES!

Big Bobby: CORPSES?!!

Judge Mayonnaise: Hipper you're not helping your case.

Big Bobby: Judge Meehoo, I think we should save your charges for another time...obviously this soulless demon has more pressing matters.

Hipper: Look, I'm sorry about the mugging spree-

Big Bobby: JUST...stop.

Well I had to leave because of Hipper's various other crimes, but I'll find proof soon enough! Judge Meehoo Mia, out.

Judge Mia Podcast Ep. 3

Judge Mia Podcast Ep. 2

The Me Podcast

Hey Miahols, me and Nut just started this new thing called the Me Podcast (actually I guess you would call it the Judge Mia Podcast). It covers lots of exclusive Judge Mia insider news and stuff like new episodes and stuff, so I'll start uploading them to my blog. Also, quick update: since my last post, we have started filming Season 11 and two episodes have premiered already, with a third in the editing department. CATCH 'EM ALL! And scene.

Turkey Talk with the Guac

Okay, so now that I'm back, I've been flung back into the world of business. My snotty co-manager of JMN Studios, Guacamolito Scumicimodito, only cares that I'm back so he can film his "finale". He said that since I "left," my contract is "void" and he doesn't have to "pay" me at "all," even though we're "still" filming "the" Judge Mia "finale." Fool. Well, ain't nobody got time fo that! Not only is he going to pay me, but I'm going to convince him to pay me double--no, triple what he said! And also let me decide the finale's plot! I'm on the phone with Guac... "Yo, homeslice! Judgie M here. If chu think that chu can jus scrap mah salary like its yestahday's frahd chicken, chu are steppin in some mahty deep crap!...mm hmm...mm hmm...DON'T CHU USE THAT TONE WIT MAY!!!...mm hmm...mm hmm...mm hmm...we'll meet at El Skunko del Crappo restaurant tomorrow to negotiate mah terms...make it high noon...no, I have a colonoscopy at eleven...who you callin a TMI?...fine, 12:15...okay, okay; 12:05...okay! We'll make it 12:00:01! Sheesh!...See you soon, Guac." I'm hanging up the phone. So I set up a negotiating meeting with Guac about a new contract to make me RICH!!!

The next day at El Skunko del Crappo...

Judge Mia: Long time no maul, Guac.

Guacamolito Majito Scumicimodito III Esquire: Quite.

Judge Mia: Let's get right down to biz.

Guac: Quite.

Judge Mia: I've wrote-d-ed down my terms. Obey or suffer!!!

Guac [reading terms]: "Me want 500% more money, me want to think of finale plot by myself, me want new clown-colored toilet paper." This is RIDICULOUS!!! [Stands up]

Judge Mia: [stands taller than Guac] You dare defy me?!

Guac: DON'T MIND IF I DO!

Judge Mia: Don't test me; I WILL QUIT.

Guac: YOU DON'T HAVE THE GUTS!!!

Judge Mia: TRY ME!!!!!

Waiter: Welcome to El Skunko del Crappo; my name is Sanchez and I will be your waiter. And what would the happy couple like to drink this fine day?

[Judge Mia and Guac sit down and gently pick up the menu]

Guac: I'll have the iced tea, please.

Waiter [writing down]: Super fabuloso; and you sir?

Judge Mia: I'll just have the water, please. In a sippee cup, please.

Waiter: Excellent choice, my darlings. Your drinks will be ready before you can say r-ri-ri-ri. [Walks away]

[Judge Mia and Guac violently jerk up]

Judge Mia: I demand you subject to my terms or I will QUIT JUDGE MIA!!!

Guac: NEVER!!!!

Judge Mia: SHUT UUUUUUUUUUPPPPP!!!!!!!!!

It pretty much went on like that for a while, until I dumped a piping hot plate of chimichangas on Guac's head and threatened him with a butterknife. Needless to say, he agreed to my terms. What an idiot! That lizard's got more liz than zard...wait, what? Whatever. AIN'T NOBODY GOT TIME FO THAT!!!

Me vs. Wild, Day 3

"MOM!!!!"

"Matilda?" I squeaked.

"MOM!!!!!!" Matilda's voice echoed throughout the darkness.

"No, I don't want to go home!" I replied.

Her face suddenly appeared as brisk as the morning dew in front of my muzzle.

"You must!" She grabbed my arm and suddenly we were flying through the clouds.

The clouds started molding and dancing around us. One looked like Fransisco; another two like Marley and Maggie. More clouds resembled Murphy, Nut, and even Buck (it was a storm cloud).

Matilda suddenly swung around to face me, but we were still flying at breakneck speeds.

"Mom...you're too..."

I noticed she was hurtling towards a cliff!

"WATCH OUT!!!" I screamed.

She hit the rock face with a gory splat.

DAY 3

I sat straight up in bed. Another family nightmare, I thought. Okay, now that that's over, it's Day 3 in the wilderness. My lips are chapped like the dickens!! And they're still chapped now, not to mention I'm literally starving and my throat feels like...something really really dry. But first thing's first, I need to unchap my lips!!! I think if I drench them with water they will be normal. Goodie. To the babbling brook! Okay I'm at the babbling brook, now I'll just quench my lips...uh huh...oh yah...quench that chap...wait a minute. Don't tell me. I forgot that this is SEWER WATER!!! EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!! Puh, puh, puh! I'm spitting the crap off my lips. AAAH!!! They're chapping even more because the moisture is evaporating off them!!! I think I'm seriously literally on death's door right now. Crap, I'm in his foyer! I almost wish Matilda was here... No, Mia! You're INDEPENDENT! You don't need those crapezoids! YAH! I'm not talking to myself again. I mean I never was, so how could I do it again, especially because I never did it in the first place. Whatever. Okay, time for some breakfast! Cockroaches = revolting, so how about some dirt! No. That's it, I want need some real meat, NOW!!!! Hey, how about Smokey? His dead body has been aging for a day now, I bet it tastes divine!

Finga-lickin' GOOD!

Just think about it... bear meat. Mmm. I bet it tastes...smokey! BLAHhahahaha! I'm walking through the woods to the place where I killed Smokey. There's the old fallen log. There's the old babbling brook. There's the old killer bee hive. I'm poking the killer bee hive. I'm shaking the killer bee hive. I'm mauling the ki—LAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!!!! BEES!!!! THEY'RE SWARMING AROUND ME!!!!! THEY'RE FLYING DOWN MY THROAT! THEY'RE MAULING ME! AAAAAH!!!!!!!!!! Choking...dying... [gasp] the babbling brook! I'm running towards the babbling brook with bees all over me...I'm jumping in the babbling brook! Ah, sweet necta of the gods! When I went underwater the bees didn't go underwater with me so

(me + bees) + water = me - bees!

Actually, now that I type it it just looks idiotic. Anyway, good thing my laptop is waterproof! I'm holding my breath underwater. The bees aren't leaving. The bees are waiting for me above the water?! In fact...what the crap?! The bees have formed a film on top of the water!!! I'M ALMOST OUT OF BREATH!!! Quick, swim to the other side of the babbling brook...phew! I'm exiting the water on the other side of the babbling brook. The bees don't notice I'm gone, the fools! Now, for that slap-yo-mama delectable smokey meat! I'm almost to the place where I killed Smokey. Hold the whoa-n...HE'S GONE!!!!!!! He was here just a day ago! How could this be...what the! I'm looking in the distance...there's a flock of geese flying towards me...wait a minute, that's not geese! It's a fleet of helicopters!!! And Smokey's in the front! He's pointing at me and screaming "over there"! EEEEE! I'M GONNA KILL HIM! Matilda's in the copter too! I better run! I'm blindly sprinting through the woods. I tripped on the old fallen log. The copters are landing next to me. Matilda's jumping out of the copter and sprinting towards me. She's screaming, "MOM! I'M SO GLAD YOU'RE SAFE! Don't you ever scare me like that again you fool! I never would have forgave myself if you got hurt! Just think of what Dad would say if he found out..." A paramedic person is putting a blanket on me. Smokey is flailing his arms and shouting to everyone "See! She's here! Ah toed you!" I must have accidentally not killed him! Some weird guys are grabbing me and flinging me into the copter, while Matilda is screaming about me being safe and all that crap. The copter's taking off. The weird guys are talking into their radios saying stuff like "We've found Rotten Banana, repeat, we've found Rotten Banana! All searchers return to Yonkers!" The copter's flying towards the city...

Well, I guess that's the end of my waald waald wilderness adventure. Tarzan couldn't have survived better than me! Well see you fools in the blogosphere.

"Yes I could have..."
Shut up Tarzan!