Turkey Talk with the Guac

Okay, so now that I'm back, I've been flung back into the world of business. My snotty co-manager of JMN Studios, Guacamolito Scumicimodito, only cares that I'm back so he can film his "finale". He said that since I "left," my contract is "void" and he doesn't have to "pay" me at "all," even though we're "still" filming "the" Judge Mia "finale." Fool. Well, ain't nobody got time fo that! Not only is he going to pay me, but I'm going to convince him to pay me double--no, triple what he said! And also let me decide the finale's plot! I'm on the phone with Guac... "Yo, homeslice! Judgie M here. If chu think that chu can jus scrap mah salary like its yestahday's frahd chicken, chu are steppin in some mahty deep crap!...mm hmm...mm hmm...DON'T CHU USE THAT TONE WIT MAY!!!...mm hmm...mm hmm...mm hmm...we'll meet at El Skunko del Crappo restaurant tomorrow to negotiate mah terms...make it high noon...no, I have a colonoscopy at eleven...who you callin a TMI?...fine, 12:15...okay, okay; 12:05...okay! We'll make it 12:00:01! Sheesh!...See you soon, Guac." I'm hanging up the phone. So I set up a negotiating meeting with Guac about a new contract to make me RICH!!!

The next day at El Skunko del Crappo...

Judge Mia: Long time no maul, Guac.

Guacamolito Majito Scumicimodito III Esquire: Quite.

Judge Mia: Let's get right down to biz.

Guac: Quite.

Judge Mia: I've wrote-d-ed down my terms. Obey or suffer!!!

Guac [reading terms]: "Me want 500% more money, me want to think of finale plot by myself, me want new clown-colored toilet paper." This is RIDICULOUS!!! [Stands up]

Judge Mia: [stands taller than Guac] You dare defy me?!

Guac: DON'T MIND IF I DO!

Judge Mia: Don't test me; I WILL QUIT.

Guac: YOU DON'T HAVE THE GUTS!!!

Judge Mia: TRY ME!!!!!

Waiter: Welcome to El Skunko del Crappo; my name is Sanchez and I will be your waiter. And what would the happy couple like to drink this fine day?

[Judge Mia and Guac sit down and gently pick up the menu]

Guac: I'll have the iced tea, please.

Waiter [writing down]: Super fabuloso; and you sir?

Judge Mia: I'll just have the water, please. In a sippee cup, please.

Waiter: Excellent choice, my darlings. Your drinks will be ready before you can say r-ri-ri-ri. [Walks away]

[Judge Mia and Guac violently jerk up]

Judge Mia: I demand you subject to my terms or I will QUIT JUDGE MIA!!!

Guac: NEVER!!!!

Judge Mia: SHUT UUUUUUUUUUPPPPP!!!!!!!!!

It pretty much went on like that for a while, until I dumped a piping hot plate of chimichangas on Guac's head and threatened him with a butterknife. Needless to say, he agreed to my terms. What an idiot! That lizard's got more liz than zard...wait, what? Whatever. AIN'T NOBODY GOT TIME FO THAT!!!

Me vs. Wild, Day 3

"MOM!!!!"

"Matilda?" I squeaked.

"MOM!!!!!!" Matilda's voice echoed throughout the darkness.

"No, I don't want to go home!" I replied.

Her face suddenly appeared as brisk as the morning dew in front of my muzzle.

"You must!" She grabbed my arm and suddenly we were flying through the clouds.

The clouds started molding and dancing around us. One looked like Fransisco; another two like Marley and Maggie. More clouds resembled Murphy, Nut, and even Buck (it was a storm cloud).

Matilda suddenly swung around to face me, but we were still flying at breakneck speeds.

"Mom...you're too..."

I noticed she was hurtling towards a cliff!

"WATCH OUT!!!" I screamed.

She hit the rock face with a gory splat.

DAY 3

I sat straight up in bed. Another family nightmare, I thought. Okay, now that that's over, it's Day 3 in the wilderness. My lips are chapped like the dickens!! And they're still chapped now, not to mention I'm literally starving and my throat feels like...something really really dry. But first thing's first, I need to unchap my lips!!! I think if I drench them with water they will be normal. Goodie. To the babbling brook! Okay I'm at the babbling brook, now I'll just quench my lips...uh huh...oh yah...quench that chap...wait a minute. Don't tell me. I forgot that this is SEWER WATER!!! EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!! Puh, puh, puh! I'm spitting the crap off my lips. AAAH!!! They're chapping even more because the moisture is evaporating off them!!! I think I'm seriously literally on death's door right now. Crap, I'm in his foyer! I almost wish Matilda was here... No, Mia! You're INDEPENDENT! You don't need those crapezoids! YAH! I'm not talking to myself again. I mean I never was, so how could I do it again, especially because I never did it in the first place. Whatever. Okay, time for some breakfast! Cockroaches = revolting, so how about some dirt! No. That's it, I want need some real meat, NOW!!!! Hey, how about Smokey? His dead body has been aging for a day now, I bet it tastes divine!

Finga-lickin' GOOD!

Just think about it... bear meat. Mmm. I bet it tastes...smokey! BLAHhahahaha! I'm walking through the woods to the place where I killed Smokey. There's the old fallen log. There's the old babbling brook. There's the old killer bee hive. I'm poking the killer bee hive. I'm shaking the killer bee hive. I'm mauling the ki—LAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!!!! BEES!!!! THEY'RE SWARMING AROUND ME!!!!! THEY'RE FLYING DOWN MY THROAT! THEY'RE MAULING ME! AAAAAH!!!!!!!!!! Choking...dying... [gasp] the babbling brook! I'm running towards the babbling brook with bees all over me...I'm jumping in the babbling brook! Ah, sweet necta of the gods! When I went underwater the bees didn't go underwater with me so

(me + bees) + water = me - bees!

Actually, now that I type it it just looks idiotic. Anyway, good thing my laptop is waterproof! I'm holding my breath underwater. The bees aren't leaving. The bees are waiting for me above the water?! In fact...what the crap?! The bees have formed a film on top of the water!!! I'M ALMOST OUT OF BREATH!!! Quick, swim to the other side of the babbling brook...phew! I'm exiting the water on the other side of the babbling brook. The bees don't notice I'm gone, the fools! Now, for that slap-yo-mama delectable smokey meat! I'm almost to the place where I killed Smokey. Hold the whoa-n...HE'S GONE!!!!!!! He was here just a day ago! How could this be...what the! I'm looking in the distance...there's a flock of geese flying towards me...wait a minute, that's not geese! It's a fleet of helicopters!!! And Smokey's in the front! He's pointing at me and screaming "over there"! EEEEE! I'M GONNA KILL HIM! Matilda's in the copter too! I better run! I'm blindly sprinting through the woods. I tripped on the old fallen log. The copters are landing next to me. Matilda's jumping out of the copter and sprinting towards me. She's screaming, "MOM! I'M SO GLAD YOU'RE SAFE! Don't you ever scare me like that again you fool! I never would have forgave myself if you got hurt! Just think of what Dad would say if he found out..." A paramedic person is putting a blanket on me. Smokey is flailing his arms and shouting to everyone "See! She's here! Ah toed you!" I must have accidentally not killed him! Some weird guys are grabbing me and flinging me into the copter, while Matilda is screaming about me being safe and all that crap. The copter's taking off. The weird guys are talking into their radios saying stuff like "We've found Rotten Banana, repeat, we've found Rotten Banana! All searchers return to Yonkers!" The copter's flying towards the city...

Well, I guess that's the end of my waald waald wilderness adventure. Tarzan couldn't have survived better than me! Well see you fools in the blogosphere.

"Yes I could have..."
Shut up Tarzan!