Me vs. Wild, Day 2

DAY 2

I woke up with an atrocious cramp in my butt, probably because I was bent in the shape of a double-helix while I was sleeping. I'm really hungry...AAAAH!!!! My stomach feels like it's turning inside-out! Maybe I should look for some food. If Fransisco was here, he would say "did you figure that out yourself Mia?" Then I would punch him and tell him I hate him, then he would scream that he hopes I die and if I don't he'll do it for me, then we'd start throwing chairs and heirlooms at each other for about ten minutes and about when blood is dripping down the walls Matilda would come in to the room sobbing and screaming "Stop it!" but we wouldn't stop because we can't here her over the sound of us throwing crap at each other and then we would finally stop after we both pass out from exhaustion...we would...right...huh? Whatever. Okay, now for some food! How about some bark? Yummy dummy. Oh no! All the trees around here don't have any bark because I used it all on my house!

You're barking on the wrong side of the tree!! Har.

Hey, I'll just eat my hou--oh, right. I burned my house because I was cold last night. Ouch. Hungry. Need. Food. Stomach. Hurts. Because. No. Food. Why. Typing. Like. This. Oh. Yah. Because. Trying. To. Emphasize. That. I. Hungry. And. No. Food. SHUT UUUP!!! Okay, I think I'm really on death's door. I need food, NOW! Oh yah! I saw this show that a guy was dumped in the woods by his friends and he ate bugs to survive!

No, not that guy! It was like some kind of kid that plays hockey...Hoccwhoa, was it? Whatever. Hungry. Need. Food. Okay, stop stop STOP STOP STOP!!! So, my point was that it's time to eat a bug. Hey a roach. I'm picking it up...I'm putting it in my mouth...I'm closing my mouth...I can feel its legs crawling in my mouth...I'm chewing...it's crunchy...it tastes like crap...I'm swallowing...BEHOLD! Hunger quenched. Come to think of it, it was a little dry. I'm thirsty. What the crap, I'm PARCHED! I NEED WATER, NOW!!! I think there was a babbling brook just a hop skip and a jump away from my lightning tower. I'm walking through the woods. AAAH! A BEAR!!! IT'S REAL THIS TIME!!!!! IT'S COMING TOWARDS ME! AAH! THERE'S NO TIME TO RUN! I'M DOOMED! Oh wait, wait...hold the whoa-n...it's just Smokey! He's saying: "Judge Mia! You're alive! The whole city's looking for you, you gotta come back! I'll go back and tell everyone that you're here. Locking GPS coordinates...now!" Oh no! Smokey's running back to civilization to tell everyone where I'm hiding! I can't face those fans after I cancelled the show. Think fast, Mia! Throw a rock at him! I'm picking up a rock...this has to be a perfect shot...throw. Hooray! It hit him on the head and he's lying on the ground! Better investigate the scene. Yep, he's dead alright. Better hide the body. What the crap, leave it here! Now, to quench my ever-parched throat. I'm at the babbling brook. Eew, the water's brown! Let me guess, fish crap. No wait...there's a sign...it says:

YONKERS SEWER CRAP DRAINAGE CREEK.

Oh. My. Heavens. I almost drank raw crap fresh from the toilet! Hey, I've lost my appetite for water. It's getting dark. Back to the hut. Tomorrow, I start anew...

Me vs. Wild, Day 1

Okay, even though only one person voted (Buck, no doubt) it looks like I'm battling for survival in the waald! By the way, to those of you who have been suggesting that I'm NOT in hiding because how could I be in hiding when I keep posting on my blog, let me just clear things up. I brought my laptop with me and I'm powering it by erecting a behemoth lightning rod and using the lightning to power my laptop!!! Here's a pic of it:

But enough of that crap, it's time for ME VS. WILD! I'll be blogging LIVE during my adventures, so here I go!

DAY 1

It's time for me to get back to nature and live off the land, independent of any simpering fool but myself (I'm not a fool). I'm a little hungry. Maybe I should search for some wild berries or nuts. I'm walking through the woods. EEE! IT'S A BEAR! EEE! IT'S CHARGING TOWARDS ME BECAUSE IT CAN HEAR ME TYPING! Oh nevermind, it was just a log. Ugh, now I can really feel the stab of hunger. You can't be picky now Mia, survival is at steak. Mmm...steak...SHUT UUUUUUP!!! Am I talking to myself? Never. Now let's find some food. I'm walking through the woods. A DRAFT! Oh wait, there's always a draft outside. Whatever. Stop talking to myself. Stop it! SHUT UUUP!!! Whatever. Hey, look! Some mushrooms! OM NOM NOM! Yum...soggy. My throat feels a little sore...Ah! It's swelling up! I CAN'T BREATHE! Now there's a rash on my lips! QUICK, USE GRANDMA'S SPECIAL REMEDY! I just need to find some stinkweed before I pass out! Can't...breathe... jdsajhhfdbnvoidfnbfgFHNJFDSCDcfvbDvbgb\[];hbEW

GR3Fa8EHzjjjjjjjjjjjj

Where am I? Uh, I fell on the keyboard. My rash is gone! Wait...so are my lips. EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!! Oh nevermind, I was just hallucinating. I'm never eating mushrooms again. Hey, a mushroom! OM NOM NOM! EEEEEEEEE!

Where am I? Uh oh, it's getting dark. I should build a shelter. Let's collect some bark and leaf crap! Okay, I'm at my laptop-charging tower. I'll put that twig there and that leaf there and that bark there... BEHOLD!

Not bad if I do say so myself. I'm so...perfect. And now I will doze off into a deep sleep. Hoot. WHAT WAS THAT?! AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!...

YOU Decide My Fate

Sorry it's been a while since my last post.
So much has happened.

About three days ago while I was at my hideaway in Fragile Forest, I heard some sirens and saw some cop helicopters and Matilda's voice screaming "MOM!!! WHERE ARE YOU?!!!!" I knew it was trouble, so I quickly fled deeper into the wilderness. I can't disclose exactly where or which direction I went. All I want is some me time, people! Oh and also I don't want to get mauled by my ex-fans because I cancelled the show. So the way I see it I have two options: 1) I could stay in the wild forever and ever and live off my own crap then die of old age, or 2) I could kill myself because I'm already going to die anyway. The choice is yours fans, vote NOW!

What should I do?
	Stay in the waald
	Suicide
pollcode.com free polls

Or if you have a different suggestion, leave a comment BELOW!!!

Me, Missing? Never.

It has recently come to my attention that my fans, the authorities, and the mainstream media think that I am missing. I would like to clear things up. I'm not missing, I'm simply "away." It's so ridiculous that everyone's making such a fuss about this! I got like a billion voicemails from Matilda saying "Oh, boo hoo Mommy you gotta come back! Wah! Boo hoo! Where are you, anyway?" QUIT YER WHININ! I'm not planning to come back or reveal my location any time soon, so SHUT UUUUUUUUP!

Meet My Fam Part 5: Reynolds

This last chronicle of the Meet My Fam series is near and beer to my heart. It is about my first husband, Reynolds the farmer. Reynolds was the perfect hubbie; we met in the summer of '55 fishin by the waterwallows. He had glorious golden locks and a broad butt chin, but MAN did he stink!! I never took a picture of him (because cameras weren't invented yet). Anyway, in the summer of '07 Reynolds decided to go on a camping trip in Fragile Forest...alone...without me. Needless to say, he died. (I think it was because he couldn't bear his own stink.) So things went on as normal, I didn't realize he hadn't returned until the summer of '11, when we were filming Season 4 of Judge Mia. Fransisco and I had found REYNOLD'S DEAD BODY! It was in a ditch or something. Whatever. Anyway, then Fransisco caused a flood (don't even get me started) and it washed away Reynolds body. They made a symbolic gravestone in Reynolds Park, formerly Reynolds Farm. Goodie.

Reynolds "symbolic" gravestone. (Since his body was
washed away in a flood caused by Fransisco, it was never recovered)

So, here's the three things I liked best about Reynolds:

1. He had golden hair.
2. He was perfect.
3. He was Reynolds.

Really, there's only two things I hate about him:

1. He stank!
2. He died.

So, in light of the evidence, Reynolds ranks #1 in my fam! That concludes the Meet My Fam series, tune in next time!!!

Meet My Fam Part 4: Murphy

Murphy is my son-in-law thing. He is almost a clone of my daughter Matilda! It's a miracle that the twins found each other and got married!!!! Here's his pic:

Say it with me: B-B-B-BORING!

Anyway, Murphy is a countant at S.C. Shinypelt, the biggest company in Yonkers. He's always writing an apple report, in fact he's been working on the same apple report for three years! What is an apple report anyway? Whatever. All I care about is him getting a real job so Matilda and Murphy don't always have to come to me and Fransisco for moolah!!
I think Murphy is an orphan...cause he's never ever talked about his parents or any of his side of the fam. Come to think of it, I didn't even know Murphy until after he married Matilda! Whatever.
Okay, so here's what I like:

1. He's not...bad.
2. I couldn't think of anything else.

Here's what I HATE:

1. He's not...good...

Whatever. He's like, #4...I mean, at least he's okay...whatever. (If you can tell I'm getting a little bored of writing about all these boring people.)

Meet My Fam Part 3: The Twins

The twins: Marley and Maggie. They are my grandstufflings, and Maggie is three minutes older than Marley. Like I said before, I like Marley better. The twins are generally pretty good, I guess. The only prob bob is that they suck all the attention away from me to their cute lil faces!!! Not! Fair!

My lil' Marles!!

Let's start with Marley. I like him better than Maggie. He's really smart...kinda. He wants to be a star just like ME! Bless his soul. I like him better than Maggie. They say that his greatness comes from his dad's side of the family, but I know for a fact it's the result of a greatness gene directly from ME! I like him better than Maggie. He can sometimes be a pain though, like when he kept annoying me when it was Bring-Your-Grandson-to-Work Day at JMN, or when he hid his dirty diapers in my salad bowl and I got a stinky surprise! Crapola!

A living demon.

Now on to...shudder...Maggie. They say she's the prime of the litter just because she's three minutes older than Marley, but I know she's just a lil' DEMON! I mean, I don't know why; she just is, ya know? Sometimes she's okay, but ahduhnuh. Whatever.

I'm not going to do a top three thing since there's two of them, but I will say that Maggie is #5 (second to last), and Marley is #3. Whatever.

Meet My Fam Part 2: Matilda

Okay, I guess I have to write a post about my daughter Matilda. (Honestly, she's super boring.) Her dad was Reynolds, which might be why she hates her step-dad Fransisco so much. Also because Fransisco is ten years younger than her, but how does that make any difference? Whatever. Some might say she's a loving mother, devoted wife, and all that crap. Let's skip the formalities and get down to the TRUTH. Here's what she looks like:

(I didn't add the wretched wrinkles because I
envy her young beauty...because I DON'T.)

Need I say more? Now, here's the three things I like about her:

1. She's a chip off the old me.
2. She's...not Judge Maya...
3. I couldn't think of anything else.

And here's what I hate about her:

1. She is always criticizing me!
2. She hates Fransisco!!
3. She really boring and she made this post really short.

And that's why Matilda ranks #6, or last place in my fam series. Tune in next time!

Meet My Fam Part 1: Fransisco

Before I go on to all that thrify difty crap, I decided to write a short series introducing you to my fam! For each family member I will give you a brief description, the things I most like and hate about them, and where they rank in comparison to the rest of my fam. So, here's Fransisco!!!

Fransisco's an awesome hubbie...most of the time. Scrap that: never.

Fransisco is my second marriage after my first hub Reynolds who died in a camping trip (he was Matilda's dad). From the moment we met, Fransisco and I have known we'd be soul mates forever! Until right after the wedding, when I realized that he's kind of a...snob. I can't figure it out! One min he's great, and the next he's a monster! Also, sometimes he's a little suspicious because I keep finding frog-related food trash in the trash and when I ask him about it he gets red and bolts off like a wild baboon! Weird.

I found this fly-covered fruit roll up
in the trash just this morning!

Fransisco is a used car salesman, which might explain why he's a little suspish. And he also hates my daughter Matilda. But I couldn't have asked for a better hubzo!!!!!

Okay, on to the list. Here's the top three reasons why I like Fransisco:

1. He is small and furry.
2. He makes AMAZING aged mold cheese!
3. He's allergic to bananas so I get all of them.

Now, here's the top three reasons why I hate Fransisco:

1. He arouses suspishes.
2. He looks and smells like a piece of crap.
3. He's a freeloader cause he only makes a cent a year and we usually live off my paycheck! (Wait a minute...how does that work, after I quit and all...?)

After carefully weighing the evidence, I conclude that Fransisco ranks #2 on my list of favorite fam!!! Tune in next time when we babble in the life of Matilda!

When one door closes, another door opens

I cried.


My show, Judge Mia, had just been cancelled (well, I cancelled it...so sue me!). I was without a job...and a life. If you've been living under a rock for the last eleven years, let me tell you a little about myself:

Tee hee that's me!!!

I am Judge Mia! The name itself should send chills of reverence down your fluff. I used to have my own court show but I cancelled it because I wanted to have not a public life for once. I have an on-and-off hubbie named Fransisco (who is sometimes dreamy and sometimes I want to murder him).

Fransisco: angel or demon??

I live with my daughter, Matilda, and her family: her hub Murphy, and their twins who are in preschool: Marley and Maggie. I like Marley better.

Anyway, after I cancelled my show I devoted my life to blogging, and from now on I will document every moment of my life...as I may not have much time left... (did I mention I'm 87 years old?)