Thursday, May 2, 2013

Judgie Drew and the Clue of the Frog Scat

Okay guys, I'm a little busy right now but I'll bring chall up to speed. This morning I woke up fresh as a dew but unfortunately when I put my feet off my bed and on to the floor there was some dew...and not the watery kind. (I purposelyfullyful spelled it wrong, so don't scam my comments with "YOU SPELLED DEW WRONG. IT SHOULD BE DU. YOU'RE SO DUMB, AND I'M THE SMARTEST PERSON EVER. BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH!!!") Anyway, when I found that...surprise in my slippers I realized that the only other person that could have...um, excreted...in my slippers is Fransisco! And Matilda! And Murphy and Maggie and Marley and Buck! (He sometimes breaks into my house at night to stare at Fransisco while he's sleeping...but that's a different story.) So I picked up the...WHATEVER! I picked up the POOP with my bare hands and set it on the kitchen table next to Murphy's Fiber-O's and screamed, "EMERGENCY FAMILY MEETING!!!" Everyone ran into the kitchen yelling "What's wrong!?" but when they saw the POOP on the kitchen table they all cringed and Matilda blurted, "What on earth? Who would--" then I interrupted and said, "That's what I want to know! WHO CRAPPED IN MY SLIPPERS!?" Fransisco bent down and smelled it and I noticed he got a little nervous and looked around all wild then pointed at Matilda and screamed, "Mia, I bet your oafy daughter probably did it to make me look bad! Soon, there will be crap smeared in the carpets, hidden in the wall cracks, and stuffed in the mattresses. Mark my words, she'll blame me for it!!!" Matilda shot a loatheful eye at Fransisco and blurted, "That's ridiculous you little varment! Mom, just look at your HUSBAND'S disgusting poop-matted fur! He probably did it to blame me so you'd throw ME out of the house!" I thought about that, but before I could assault Matilda for being so stupid Murphy butted in and said, "Everyone. It's just a little dung. Don't worry, Mia, I'll get you some new slippers lickety split." "BUTTERING UP MY WIFE, EH?" said Fransisco, "I OUTTA SOCK YOU!" "I GOT HALF A MIND BUDDY!" Suddenly Marley burst in. "You're all fools. MAGGIE obviously did it!" "How dare you Marley!" she retorted. As the family clashed in a brutal bloodbath, I snuck outside with my slipper to solve the mystery!



I took the slippers to Nut's house. And that's where I am now. I'm ringing the doorbell... Nut's opening the door. "Oh, hello judge. What do you want?" I peer inside the house behind Nut. Nutella and Butt are playing chess...I think. It's hard to tell because Butt keeps cutting the board with a chainsaw. "Get out of my way, Nut. I'm here to talk to your granddaughter." I'm pushing Nut out of the way and heading towards Nutella. She stares at me meanly. "What could you pothibly want you behemoth monkey?" "Nutella, you're smart right?" "Any idiot knowth that." "Well I'm trying to solve a mythtery...I mean mystery and I need you to analyze this crap." I'm showing her the slipper. She's rolling her eyes and screaming "MAKE ME!" I nod at Nut and he's telling Nutella "If you don't help Mia you have to skip school for a month." "NO! THTOP! OKAY OKAY I'LL HELP YOU!" So we're going to Nutella's room. There are sciency gadgets everywhere and posters of Dr. Elephanty on the walls posed in moronic positions. "Put the slipper in there," Nutella blurts, pointing to an ANALYZAH! I put it in and a blue light eminates around it and it says "wehw." Nutella jumps on her compoot and starts viciously typing. Then she screams "ANALYZE!" as she presses a button and the compoot is loading and now it's saying "analyzerzation complete, Oh great and brilliant Nutella." Nutella is saying, "Ignore that latht part," as she types more on her compoot. She's gasping. "WHAT'S WRONG?!" "The ekthscretement theems to be amphibian in origin." "SPEAK THE QUEEN'S STUFFISH!" "It came from a frog." DUM DUM DUM! Now that I know the crap is from a frog, I'm leaving Nut's house and going to the police station. I'm at the police station. Officer Big Bobby is at the front desk. "What do you want, Judge Mayo?" "It's Judge Mia." "Whatever. So what brings you to the fortress of policertude?" "It's about some poop I found on my slipper. Nutella said" "Who's Nutella?!" "SHUT UP! Nutella said that the crap is from a frog, so I need you to do a scan through your whole list of citizens for the excretor." "Well you've come to the right place, Judge Mimi. We have a list of every single citizen in Furria. Follow me!!!" I'm following Big Bobby to the back room. There's a behemoth computer that's almost as big as Big Bobby! "Sit down," Big Bobby is saying. "I'll start the search, but we need to narrow it down." "It was from a frog." Big Bobby is pressing a button and about a thousand names are on the screen. "Anything else?" "They probably live in Yonkers." Now there are about twenty names. Big Bobby is gesturing to the slipper. "GIVE MAY THAYT!" He grabs it from my hand or paw or whatever I have and is sniffing it. "EW!!!" I scream. Big Bobby says, "Okay, that was ten seconds of my life wasted. I'd bet the fur on my lips if I had any. AND I DO! BLAAAH!" I think I hear a foghorn in the distance. Big Bobby gathers himself and says, "Here is our list in question. First up...Brog Beanbum. Wait a minute...there's a glitch on my compoot...it says he's a frog AND a bear! How is that posioh no! IT'S FIZZIN OUT! RUN FOR YOUR LIFE!" The compoot is exploding and I'm running for my life! We're outside the police station and it's destroyed. Big Bobby is so dumb. If only Brog was dead. "Well no matter," says Big Bobby, "I always bring a backup laptop with me. I guess Brog's out...next up is Croakella Scumicimodito." "EW! She's so gross that if she was the one that pooped in my slippers I think I would kill myself, so don't even bother trying to find out." "I'd bet the fur on my lips if" I give Big Bobby my "glare of despair." He clears his throat, "Moving on. How about..." It's two hours later. We've narrowed it down to two suspects: Chipper Scumicimodito and Hipper Pucenose. Did I mention they're TWINS!!!!!! "Yuck, I always knew those frogs were up to whoa good." So I'm going to their house with Big Bobby to interrogate Hipper and Chipper. Here's the official police report:

Yonkers Police Dept. YPD-2
Police Interrogation #2734
Officer   BIG BOBBY      
HIPPR AND CHIPPR PUSENOSE ARE BIENG QUESTIONED BY ME BECUASE JUDGE MAYONNAISE SAYS THAT ONE OF THEM POOPED IN HER SLIPPR.

Big Bobby: Hipper. Chipper. We know what you did.
Chipper: Okay! Okay! I DID IT!
Hipper: Officer I don't know what you're talking about, now GET OUT OF MY HOUSE!
Big Bobby: No.
Hipper: What do you want, cretin?
Big Bobby: Get to the gush, frog lady. You know what I'm here for.
Judge Mayonnaise: Yeah! Here for!
Hipper: Alright, you got me. But really I won't do it again...see here are the jewels! I'll give them back! Just don't send me to jail!
Big Bobby: WHAT THE?! I wasn't talking about that!
Hipper: Oooh...um, just forget about what I said. So then you're here because I kidnapped Buck?
Big Bobby: You WHAT?! No no no! I'm here because-
Hipper: Oh man. OH MAN. I know exactly what you're here for! CHIPPER I THOUGHT I TOLD YOU TO HIDE THE CORPSES!
Big Bobby: CORPSES?!!
Judge Mayonnaise: Hipper you're not helping your case.
Big Bobby: Judge Meehoo, I think we should save your charges for another time...obviously this soulless demon has more pressing matters.
Hipper: Look, I'm sorry about the mugging spree-
Big Bobby: JUST...stop.

Well I had to leave because of Hipper's various other crimes, but I'll find proof soon enough! Judge Meehoo Mia, out.

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