Me vs. Wild, Day 2

DAY 2

I woke up with an atrocious cramp in my butt, probably because I was bent in the shape of a double-helix while I was sleeping. I'm really hungry...AAAAH!!!! My stomach feels like it's turning inside-out! Maybe I should look for some food. If Fransisco was here, he would say "did you figure that out yourself Mia?" Then I would punch him and tell him I hate him, then he would scream that he hopes I die and if I don't he'll do it for me, then we'd start throwing chairs and heirlooms at each other for about ten minutes and about when blood is dripping down the walls Matilda would come in to the room sobbing and screaming "Stop it!" but we wouldn't stop because we can't here her over the sound of us throwing crap at each other and then we would finally stop after we both pass out from exhaustion...we would...right...huh? Whatever. Okay, now for some food! How about some bark? Yummy dummy. Oh no! All the trees around here don't have any bark because I used it all on my house!

You're barking on the wrong side of the tree!! Har.

Hey, I'll just eat my hou--oh, right. I burned my house because I was cold last night. Ouch. Hungry. Need. Food. Stomach. Hurts. Because. No. Food. Why. Typing. Like. This. Oh. Yah. Because. Trying. To. Emphasize. That. I. Hungry. And. No. Food. SHUT UUUP!!! Okay, I think I'm really on death's door. I need food, NOW! Oh yah! I saw this show that a guy was dumped in the woods by his friends and he ate bugs to survive!

No, not that guy! It was like some kind of kid that plays hockey...Hoccwhoa, was it? Whatever. Hungry. Need. Food. Okay, stop stop STOP STOP STOP!!! So, my point was that it's time to eat a bug. Hey a roach. I'm picking it up...I'm putting it in my mouth...I'm closing my mouth...I can feel its legs crawling in my mouth...I'm chewing...it's crunchy...it tastes like crap...I'm swallowing...BEHOLD! Hunger quenched. Come to think of it, it was a little dry. I'm thirsty. What the crap, I'm PARCHED! I NEED WATER, NOW!!! I think there was a babbling brook just a hop skip and a jump away from my lightning tower. I'm walking through the woods. AAAH! A BEAR!!! IT'S REAL THIS TIME!!!!! IT'S COMING TOWARDS ME! AAH! THERE'S NO TIME TO RUN! I'M DOOMED! Oh wait, wait...hold the whoa-n...it's just Smokey! He's saying: "Judge Mia! You're alive! The whole city's looking for you, you gotta come back! I'll go back and tell everyone that you're here. Locking GPS coordinates...now!" Oh no! Smokey's running back to civilization to tell everyone where I'm hiding! I can't face those fans after I cancelled the show. Think fast, Mia! Throw a rock at him! I'm picking up a rock...this has to be a perfect shot...throw. Hooray! It hit him on the head and he's lying on the ground! Better investigate the scene. Yep, he's dead alright. Better hide the body. What the crap, leave it here! Now, to quench my ever-parched throat. I'm at the babbling brook. Eew, the water's brown! Let me guess, fish crap. No wait...there's a sign...it says:

YONKERS SEWER CRAP DRAINAGE CREEK.

Oh. My. Heavens. I almost drank raw crap fresh from the toilet! Hey, I've lost my appetite for water. It's getting dark. Back to the hut. Tomorrow, I start anew...